I was saying goodbye to the spiders today, but when I looked closer, I only found one of them. I wondered where the other one went, and was surprised that no chills occurred at the idea of a spider on the loose.

I also may have overreacted yesterday. Although I still don’t agree with the sexist teaching, I have found a way to move past it for the sake of all the other good things that I learned during this experience. I’m certainly not going to buy this guru’s books or worship at his altar (pooja, which I skipped this morning to get a good night’s rest), but for all the other lovely ladies I learned from here, I feel strongly about leaving on a positive note.

As I pack up, I am not resisting the urge to cry. I am letting it out. There is a lot to release, and the tears help me drain out the excess emotions.

In an all-faith community like this, it doesn’t matter so much what it is that you believe, more so what it is that you take away to continue on the journey of being your most enlightened and best self.

What are the things that you want to do to make your higher self proud?

What will you do to advance your soul toward the light and the truth?

Who do you want to be that you are not yet? And what steps do you want to take to become that?

—

The last session was a sharing circle. We were going around, detailing our experience, and one of the key takeaways I shared was that the divide I felt within myself that I wanted to integrate was never divided. It was always me. And I have always been here to serve myself.

I thanked everyone for being wonderful people and giving me such a safe and accepting place to be my full self. I expressed gratitude for giving me the environment to reset my nervous system, to quiet the mind enough so that I may find myself again.

The unwanted thoughts still do come through: the fears, the worries, the anxieties. They still elicit emotional responses. But like I said, I am human, and I cannot be so hard on myself. Emotions are healthy. Just as they taught, everything is a balancing act.

Too much or too little of anything will throw us out of whack, and we must be mindful of the choices we make. Sometimes the choice is when to pick your internal battles. What will we let disturb our peace? My witness will notice the thoughts, and I, the human, will decide whether this violates my values enough that I will choose to let the feelings come through.

There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world. But the internal pain and suffering we often put ourselves through is largely needless. And I vow to do what I can to reduce my own needless pain and suffering, and do what I can in the service of others. With comfortable boundaries, of course. And with self-protection, so that I may never lose the inner peace required to help others in a productive way.

—

One of our swamis officially endowed my spiritual name, Ahka Rhash, with her power. It was an amazing moment, and I feel more like myself. I feel blessed to have come here.

They said my transformation was miraculous. They said they wished they could’ve taken a before-and-after photo because my face changed entirely. They could see it. They could feel it. I could feel it too.

The thing is, I was ready. I wanted and I needed this, and I was here for a purpose. And although I wasn’t entirely sure what that purpose was, I do believe I got what I needed, at least in these moments.

At the very least, I gained belief in myself and in my voice, that I have something to say and it is worth sharing with the world.

—

Today, with one of the swamis, we also talked about intuition, or that soft inner voice that speaks to each of us and inherently knows what to do, what to say. But we rarely listen to it because our minds are too busy with everything else.

I asked her how to distinguish that voice from all the others, and she said it’s like a hunch. It’s like an inner knowing. It will quietly tell you what you need to do. And the ones who are enlightened, who have something to teach, know how to listen to that voice all the time and act according to it at all times.

Well, my voice is telling me that I should invest in a property in nature where I can go for peace and meditation on the weekends or whenever I have to take some time away. I’ve been wondering what I could do with some money that recently came in from my very hard work. I’ve never been more certain that this is the answer.

It’s telling me this is what my life needs. An escape. A refuge. Solitary and calm. I mentioned in my earlier post that I wanted a place where I could feel peaceful and make art and write and meditate. I do believe this is the answer.

A cabin in the quiet woods that is sacred to me, so that I may serve the world better by being a better self.

More to come on this crazy adventure.